Posted by Tom Remington

Photo by Al Remington

Tom Remington

Opening my mailbox in the morning sometimes is like Christmas. Thanks, Richard!

Tom Remington

I got an email this morning from Gary Inman from Maine and he said the winter was so long this year that he might need a jump start for his car, pictured below.

Tom Remington

On Thursday I posted a picture for readers to guess what it was. If you haven’t taken the chance to wager a guess, now is the chance to do that. In the process of gathering comments from readers, one of my faithful reminded me that I hadn’t revealed the previous “Whatzit” picture. That picture is below and this link will take you back to the original post so you can read all the comments about it.

So, what is it? As a reminder, this photo was sent to me by Gary Inman in Maine. Gary is a surveyor and needless to say he covers a lot of territory. Gary says the picture was taken in back of an old barn in Newry, Maine and the “thing” was taken from an old barn. He says it is actually the remains of a “six-holer”.

He was also eager to point out that he didn’t investigate closely enough to determine which hole got the most use.

Thank you Gary.

Tom Remington

As I was heading out the door late yesterday afternoon, my good friend Kevin from Congressman Don Young’s office sent me the below email. Congressman Young, from Alaska, is the ranking republican member of the House Committee on Natural Resources. I couldn’t help but have a laugh…….for more reasons than one.

Dear Colleague,

Is this Speaker Pelosi’s “commonsense plan” for reducing Americans’ energy costs?

NO! to ANWR’s 30 year, 1 million barrel per day supply of American oil

NO! to 2 Trillion Barrels of American oil shale

NO! to more clean burning natural gas

NO! to Clean Coal.

NO! to more energy exploration in the 85% of OCS off-limits to energy development

NO! to more energy exploration in the Intermountain West

NO! to more Nuclear Power

NO! to more Hydropower Energy

NO! to expediting alternative energy development

NO! to any form of energy that will provide meaningful relief from record high energy prices

NO! to 90% of the energy that fuels America’s economy

NO!! IS NOT AN ENERGY PLAN

Tom Remington

Or is it just an election year?

Tom Remington

This is exclusive breaking news!!!

I just received word from Ron Fournier and Gary Inman, outdoor enthusiasts of questionable integrity, burdened with knowledge of the wilds and at times way too much time on their hands. It seems that in their search efforts to locate spring in Maine and bestow it on the rest of the residents of that fine state, they have yet to locate one solitary Mud Runt.

Mud Runts are as important to Maine life as Punxatawny Phil is to Pennsylvania and the rest of America to know when spring is coming. While Ron and Gary are Maine’s leading experts on Mud Runts (arguable), knowing perhaps the very few locations of Mud Runt habitat, it appears that the snow is so deep and hard that even the Mud Runt, with the “alligator-type” teeth, has yet to be able to gnaw its way through the ice and snow.

What this actually means for the residents of Maine is unclear. This is the first time in Ron and Gary’s life they have experienced this kind of natural phenomenon and they appear deeply concerned. There are unconfirmed rumors that back in 1906 the Mud Runts never appeared before July 1 and perhaps not coincidentally all male fishermen grew long beards overnight, had a strong craving for earthworms and couldn’t stop of nervous twitch closely mimicking a cast and retrieve motion.

Stay tuned for continuous updates and we will bring you news of the first sighting of the Albany Mud Runt. In the meantime, I hope you will enjoy the rare photograph taken last spring. Ron reports that when this picture was taken, it was the absolute first time the Mud Runt came out of winter hiding.

Tom Remington

On the sixth day, God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: “Today I am going to create a land called Maine. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall, abundant mountains full of pine trees and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of deer and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon”. God continued, “I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Mainers, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.”

“But Lord,” asked Gabriel, “don’t you think you are being too generous to these Mainers?”

“Not really,” replied God, “just wait and see the winters I am going to give them.”

Posted by Tom Remington

On Sunday night in an interview with Lesley Stahl of CBS’ Sixty Minutes, Al Gore was heard to exclaim that there were so few people who disagreed with him and his assessment of anthropogenic (man made) carbon dioxide causing global warming. He said these are the same people who think the lunar landing was staged at a Hollywood movie lot. He also likened them to the Flat Earth Society people.

Many people have wondered and longed for Al Gore, the arrogant narcissist who claims to have invented the Internet, to run for the presidency again. It has become clear that he has become obsessed with global warming to the point there is nothing else important in his life anymore. Or is that true?

This is an exclusive story by Skinny Moose Media that will not be heard of or read anywhere else.

Skinny Moose Media sent a crack field reporter to follow Al Gore. With a man of such public prominence, surely there must be something our staff could find out about Al Gore that even the most infatuated of mindless Americans would surely see that the man who invented the Internet and is now about to save the world, while substantially adding to his bank account, is a bit less than godly.

Skinny Moose Media’s head investigative reporter, Hairoldo Rivera, heard of a secret trip Al Gore had planned to visit the Hudson Bay area to see first hand the demise of the loving and cuddly little polar bears. Stories have existed for decades now and nearly cost Gore the Vice Presidency, that he has some kind of sick infatuation with polar bears. It is rumored that since birth, he has kept a stuffed polar bear with him at all times, often between him and his wife, causing stress in their relationship.

Rivera went ahead of Al Gore, who traveled alone, which he almost always did when he visited the Hudson Bay area, to devise a way of being able to spy on Gore without being noticed. He decided to rent a polar bear suit and mingle with the other Coca-Cola drinking bears. What Rivera discovered is shocking and is sure to bring the world to their senses about global warming…..and Al Gore, surely.

It seems that Al Gore is in love. Yes, that’s true. He has fallen in love with a polar bear and it appears that he has used his influence as sole inventor of the Internet, to convince the world that the end is near if we don’t stop emitting carbon dioxide, just for the purpose of explaining his trips to the frozen north.

Rivera, who had some difficulties remaining unrecognized with the other bears (it is bear mating season and they’re shooting another Coke commercial) got as close as he could to Gore and his very close friend, a smallish-sized female polar bear he likes to call Laura. He overheard parts of the monologue of Gore’s (Of course Al Gore, having become so mentally deranged from his work on global warming and protecting his Internet invention, thinks Laura talks back.) Here’s what Skinny Moose Media reporter Hairoldo Rivera heard Gore saying to his little fur ball.

“I don’t know how much longer I can keep coming up here like this to see you. What’s that, Laura. No, I have told you before. I will not leave my wife. As much as I love you, I don’t like the cold and you wouldn’t like the summer warmth of Tennessee. I know I told you the earth was warming and all the ice was melting but you have to understand, I did it for you. How else could I explain my repeated trips up here?”

Rivera reports that Gore sat for hours with Laura the polar bear, most often sitting silently and at night they cuddled and watch the Northern Lights.

Skinny Moose Media believes that once this story breaks, those lingering few who still believe in Al Gore will slowly turn their unthinking attention to Barack Obama, someone they can truly believe in.

Hairoldo Rivera reporting – April 1, 2008

Tom Remington

Saturday, as most of you know, I went with Milt on a photo shoot outing, etc. Lasted part of the morning and then it poured buckets the rest of the day. In short, it was a wash out.

Sunday, I got up early and drove to the Ft. Myers area and met up with a hometown buddy and we took in a spring training baseball game between the Minnesota Twins and Baltimore Orioles. Before you read on, I want to warn you that what I tell happens is gross and disgusting but somewhere in my sick sense of humor, I can only help but laugh. You may choose to read something else.

We got settled in to the game and seated to my right, perhaps a half dozen seats away, was the Fat family from Cellulite City. There was Mr. and Mrs. Fat and their two fat sons – one perhaps 6 and the other 8 or 9. Combined, the family could have tipped the scales at well over a half ton.

We arrived about 30 minutes before the scheduled first pitch of 1:05 p.m. and as we sat talking and laughing (no we weren’t drinking beer), it didn’t take long to realize that the Fat family had a groove worn into the steel bleachers leading directly to the snack stand. First it was hot dogs, then slushies, a round of Cokes, some popcorn and couple more hot dogs. Every time someone selling concessions moved anywhere in the stadium, up went a yell from someone in the Fat family.

At one point, I glanced over to see if these people were actually human and that’s when I noticed the Dad looked like he had a baseball for a head balancing on top of a huge pile of molten lava. If you were to look close enough, you would have noticed two Nike sneakers sticking out of the bottom of the lava rock.

Just when I didn’t think it possible for any normal person to ingest anything else, Momma Fat broke out the peanut butter and fluff sandwiches, bottles of pink Gatorade and passed each member a huge bag of Cracker Jacks, I suppose to add some variety to their Easter Sunday dinner.

The crowd had began to gather and there were few vacant seats around us. The presentation of the colors and the singing of the National Anthem followed and it was impossible to tell if any of them stood. They were as tall seated as standing but they did continue eating. Nothing was going to interfere with that.

Before we got through the first inning, the older of the two boys began coughing. I’m not sure which came first – the uncontrolled projectile vomiting all over the crowd which led to the coughing or the coughing started the event. Bright pink puke trickled down his chin, spattering and blending in with the assorted partly digested remnants of his stomach on the walkway between his feet.

What then to me became an unexplained phenomenon, nobody in the family seemed all that concerned. The younger bog was looking on as if to say, “Look at all the good food wasted.” Dad was busy trying to find the bottom of his bag of Cracker Jacks and Momma Fats was licking the fluff and peanut butter from her fingers.

Most people around them were appalled at the actions and lack of response. A lady sitting directly in front of them now had pink puke and assorted other goodies looking like an abstract work of art stuck to the back of her Baltimore Orioles commemorative t-shirt.

The coughing persisted and the boy became angry that he couldn’t eat more in between his puking and so looked at his mother in needy way. Finally, Momma Fats got up leading her two boys directly toward me. I scattered in panic and ran for the high ground seeking shelter behind the television cameraman perched in the highest location up behind us. I just knew that kid was going to paint some more art on hundreds of unsuspecting baseball fans.

I wondered aloud if they were headed for the snack bar to get a refund.

I returned to my seat looking around from drippings or any other signs a walking ball of vomit had bounced through my seating area. Once I determined the coast was clear, I moved to sit down and that’s when I noticed Daddy Fats had just finished his giant bag of Cracker Jacks and was slip-sliding through the pile of puke trying to get his hands on the three other bags abandoned by the runaway vomit machine, his brother and Momma Fats. It was at this point I began having visions of what the inside of their home must look like. I abandoned any more thoughts like that.

It was one of the most disgusting things I had seen in a long time. Now it looked a bit odd as this very fat man sat alone in the middle of the stands shoving food into his mouth without a care in the world.

I continued to make jokes with my friends as we waited to see what they would bring back with them from the snack bar. Oddly enough, they didn’t return and once Daddy Fats had finished all the food, he took a nap.

I guess he slept for 3 or 4 innings and when he awoke, he glanced around to see if there was any food he might have missed and seeing none, he left.

Needless to say, the thoughts I had prior to the game about a bowl of nachos and an ice cold drink, no longer existed. I watched the game.

Home now needing to sort through way too many emails and get back to work. While you wait for my next important news event to get posted, why don’t you go get something to eat.

Tom Remington